Vorticia's Interviews
by Samantha Voorhees
Summary: Vorticia, The Kilaak leader, and The Xilian leader all interview multipe beings for assistance. I'm not the best with comedy but I like some of the thing in this. Please review and be nice.
1. Chapter 1

"I own nothing in this story. Well I just felt like making a comedy."

**Vorticia's Interviews**

Vorticia, the Kilaak leader, and the Xilian leader were taking interviews of other alien races to improve their strength even greater.

Some passed, some were rejected, some were killed.

"Alright who's first?" Vorticia asked.

"Someone named Kroiga." The Xilian leader said.

A woman dressed in black walked in.

"Hello I'm here for my interview." Kroiga said.

"Wait I remember you." Vorticia said. "Didn't Malik remove you brain and place it in Black Moth's head?" Vorticia said.

"Yes and it took 210 stitches to put it back." Kroiga said. "Afterwards I cut out Malik's brain and replaced it after cutting out his memory of me."

"YOU GO GIRL!!!" The Kilaak leader said.

Vorticia and the Xilian leader stared at her.

"Sorry." The Kilaak leader said.

After a while the interview was done.

"Very impressive" Vorticia said. "Your in. See us on Saturday" (Aliens don't go by it but Kroiga is human)

"Thank you." Kroiga said before leaving.

"Next." Vorticia called.

Next came in a guy covered with heavy armor and sharp blades. (Shredder)

"Before we start tell me, Do you wear that everywhere you go?" Vorticia asked.

"Pretty much." Shredder replied.

"Guess you never need a can opener." The Xilian leader said.

"Well we really don't need metal blades when we have energy ones and I doubt they would be very effective." the Kilaak leader said.

"Don't hold that as a disadvantage." Shredder said.

"He's right." Vorticia said. "He could be of use against the giant monsters."

"Giant monsters?" Shredder asked.

"Yes why?" Vorticia said.

"How giant?" Shredder asked.

"Smallest one is over 80 feet tall." The Xilian leader said.

"That wasn't in the application." Shredder said.

"Yes it was. We specifically said Kaiju. Kaiju are giant monsters." Vorticia said.

"That's what that meant?" Shredder asked.

"Yes, aren't you Japanese?" The Kilaak leader asked.

"No, my actors and voice actors are of American races." Shredder said. "I'd better leave this isn't my area of experience."

He then left.

"Well that was random." Vorticia said "Next"

Next came in 3 men dressed in White armor. (Stormtrooper)

"Oh no. No no no no." Vorticia said.

"We haven't even done the interview yet" One of the stormtroopers said.

"I don't need to interview ones I already know won't be of any help." Vorticia said.

"What do you mean?" Another asked. "We have a very successful movie series."

"Yes but it's not successful because of you." Vorticia said. "First off you have all that armor and yet you die by a single shot and after all that time you never improved it."

"So?" Another asked.

"Second your ultimate weapon has been destroyed twice. Our ultimate weapon may be defeatable but it's indestructible." Vorticia said.

"So" The same stormtrooper asked.

"Also your leader killed your higher in command and turned to the opposite side." Vorticia said "That sound pretty pitiful."

"So?"The same one asked again but this time in a voice that started to sound upset.

"Finally what's with the terrible aim?" Vorticia asked. "You couldn't hit a target if it was looking at you eye to eye."

The stormtroopers broke out into depression.

"Oh she's right what use are we?" One of them asked

"We lost our friends on the death star, as well as our leader. We can't go on in life." Another said.

"Then why not end it?" The Kilaak leader asked.

"Good idea." The last one said.

They all aimed their blasters at their head but with such bad aim they continued to miss.

Soon the Xilian leader got tired of watching them miss.

"Oh give me that." The he said taking a blaster.

He then shot all three of them to put them out of their misery.

"Such a sad tale." The Kilaak leader said shaking her head.

"Well better clean up the mess." Vorticia said. She then rang a bell and called. "BIOLLANTE!!! I'VE GOT A SNACK FOR YOU!!!"

The giant plant monster appeared and devoured the bodies then left.

"Next" Vorticia said.

Then came in a man dressed in red and blue with a cape. (Superman)

"Are you trying to be funny or do you just think I'm stupid?" Vorticia asked.

"What?" Superman asked.

"First off you look ridiculous. Even the Nebulans look good compared to you!" Vorticia said. "You clothing is too tight and there isn't one good body part on you mr so called super everything. Second I know that you and Goku as well as many other superheros got your asses handed too you. Finally I know damn well that your not even evil now leave before I lost my paitents."

"Your evilness stops here!" Superman said getting ready to fight.

No sooner had he said this than did Vorticia fired a ray from her palm that turned the hero into ashes.

"One of the many great bioweapons I possess. If only it worked against those monsters." Vorticia said. "Next."

Then a guy with spiky hair and a orange karate like suit came in. (Goku)

"NO WAY!!! YOU LACK POWER!!! YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!!! AND YOU ARE NOT OF EVIL NOW LEAVE!!" Vorticia yelled.

Goku's fist glowed but Vorticia then shot her ray again turning him into ashes.

"I try to be gentle." Vorticia said.

"Well I'm feeling stiff. Let's take 5." The Xilian leader said.

"I suppose I am getting tense" Vorticia said grabbing her drink.

The strength of her hand caused the glass to shatter.

"The scary part was that glass was guaranteed to be unbreakable." The Kilaak leader said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Vorticia's Interviews**

**Chapter 2**

"Okay I feel a lot better." Vorticia said.

"Well onto the next one." The Kilaak leader said.

Next walked in a giant human like Mutant and A woman with wings.

The mutant was really tall and muscular, he had stiches on his face, tenticles around his shoulders, a large black trench coat, pants, and boots. (Nemesis).

The woman was also tall, She had long blond hair, A red and black dress, a crown on her head, and long fingers. (Jacqueline Natla)

"Hello." Nemesis said in a deep voice that could easily scare children.

"Good Afternoon." Natla said.

"So far so good." Vorticia said. "Are all of you like this?"

"Not quite as much as me but all in all yes." Nemesis aid.

"Then it will take something really bad to ruin your chances." Vorticia said.

The interview went well.

"Great!" Vorticia said. "See me on Saturday."

"May I escort you to your vehicle my lady?" Nemesis said offering his arm to Natla.

"Oh Nemmy your such a gentleman!" Natla said accepting his arm.

The two then left.

"Next!" Vorticia called.

Next walked in another man and woman pair.

Both of them had scary hockey masks, bloody Machetes in their hands and seemed like they were serial killers that would never die. (Jason and Samantha Voorhees (Samantha is my Oc from my Friday the 13th stories such as Love and Blood can mix. That story is currently my most successful one!))

"Wow. To impressive pairs in one day." the Kilaak leader said.

"Yes we do have a pretty successful life." Jason said. (Note:Jason can talk. He just didn't have anything to say in the movies.)

"You do seem like you'd be tremedous alies." Vorticia said.

"Yeah. The others are quite tough serial killers too." Samanta said.

Again the interview went well.

"Very good see you Saturday." Vorticia said.

"Alright." Jason said.

As they left Samantha asked.

"How did we get here again?"

Jason shrugged.

"All I remember is us walking through the woods, finding the flyer, and then just appearing here." He said.

"Next" Vorticia called

Next walked in two aliens.

One was green, the other was purple. They both looked like there were made completly out of old fashion pixiels. (Ignignokt and Err)

"I am the controller of planet moon." Ignignokt said.

"Well first off although similar the moon is not a planet, Second Which Moon? There are many of them in the universe mainly surrounding planets. Finally there isn't much point to being in control of one of them as they don't have any water, plants, and for that matter it's pretty bland up their." Vorticia said.

"The moon by planet earth. True, we really don't have much to do. And worst still we can't get any drugs or porn magazines to there." Ignignokt said.

"It's all because of those damn dogs!!!"Err said.

"Even so we have advanced beyond all civilization." Ignignokt said.

"Of 1947. HAHAHAHAHA" The Xilian leader laughed.

"Mock us one more time and I'll show you a picture of my grandma." Err said.

"Even so you can't tramatize me after I saw two Ultras making love." The Kilaak leader said

Flashback.

Ultraman Max and Ultrawoman are on a huge bed. Max is nipping at Ultrawoman's neck while she is moving his hands across his back side. Mostly on his butt because that's one of his best features. Of course his front is well made too.

"Never seen you in these tights before." Ultrawoman said.

"Wanna see me out of them." Ultraman Max replied smiling.

Ultrawoman giggled.

End Flashback.

The Kilaak leader shuttered uncomfortably.

"Maybe we should demonstrate our weapons." Ignignokt said.

"The targets are to your right." Vorticia said.

Ignignokt took out a laser and fired it at the target.

The bullet looked like a pixel too.

It moved VERY slowly.

The Aliens watched it for hours and it didn't get much closer.

"I think it's actually going backwards." The Vorticia said.

The Kilaak leader was tired of waiting.

She took the target and moved it closer to the bullet.

It took another 30 minutes but finally it hit.

"Hmm Not bad power." Vorticia said. "Just upgrade the speed and we'll talk."

"Thank you." Ignignokt said.

As he and Err left he asked.

"Err did you remember to put the holding stands on our ship?"

They went outside to find they're ship fallen over and wrecked.

"AH SHIT!" Err said.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Vorticia's Interviews**_

_**Chapter 3 **_

"Alright who's next?" Vorticia asked.

Suddenly a computer screen went on and the head of some computer like woman appeared (Shodan from the System Shock series).

"Gr-Gr-Greetings-s-s Vorticia-a" She said. It wasn't studdering it was more computer-like. "I understand-understand that you are hi-hi-hiring new as-assistances."

"Yes and so far you've greatly impressed me." Vorticia said.

"But why do you delay with some of the words you say?" The Kilaak leader asked. "Is it a glitch?"

"No" Shodan replied.

"It's fine with me." The Xilian leader said. "It adds creepiness."

It would be hard for a god like computer such as Shodan to fail a interview but regardless it went very well.

"You're in see us on Saturday" Vorticia said.

"W-Wha-What time exactly-ly?" Shodan asked

"….I'm not sure." Vorticia said. "I guess I should have thought of that before I started this."

"Well as long as you arrive Saturday I guess." The Kilaak leader said.

"Ver-very well." Shodan said then disappeared from the screen.

"I tell you; her latest game is years ahead of its time!" The Xilian leader said.

"Next" Vorticia said.

Now a giant silver and grey robot walked it. He had a dome helmet and a cannon attached to his arm. (Megatron)

"Hold on aren't you the robot who mocked Ghidorah?" Vorticia asked.

"Yes and I must say I payed dearly." Megatron replied.

"Moral, don't mock a golden 3 headed dragon." The Xilian leader said.

"I'm still not sure we should let you in." Vorticia said.

"You have to! Prime and his Autobots have joined the good Kaiju! I need to get my revenge!" Megatron said.

"What started this war anyhow?" The Kilaak leader said.

"Well I was in love with Optimus. I wanted to get real close to him, but when I was planning on interfacing with him I found out…he's a heterosexual!" Megatron said crying. (Author's note:This is in no way cannon to my other stories or any of Hasbro for that matter. This is only placed here so I can rub in the Yaoi fans faces that slash shall never be accurate!)

The Kilaak leader gave Megatron a blanket to use as a tissue.

"I still can't believe he likes females." Megatron said.

Elsewhere

"BELIEVE IT!" Optimus yelled as he was getting intimate with Katrina.

"Who are you talking two?" Katrina asked.

"I don't know. I just felt the need to yell that." Optimus said.

Back at the Vortaak ship

The interview had been finished.

"Well despite that tear display you managed to make it in." Vorticia said.

"Thank Primus!" Megatron said before leaving.

"Next!" Vorticia yelled.

A large bulky humanoid creature walked in that was a black in color with white highlights here and there. It had large teeth and a long tongue. (Venom)

"Aren't you Spiderman's deadliest foe?" Vorticia asked.

"Yes that would be me." Venom replied.

"Who's Spiderman?" The Xilian leader asked.

"He and Batman are pretty much the only strong superheroes" Vorticia said.

"Both of them are really sexy." The Kilaak leader asked.

"What?" Vorticia asked.

"Well it's true" The Kilaak leader said. "Batman has that nice chest, excellent smile, and his dark personality is a real turn on. Spiderman is even sexier. His mask adds a hit of mystery, he has great legs, a REALLY awesome ass, and have you seen the size of his bulge?"

"It doesn't bother me that you said that but did it have to be at work?" Vorticia asked.

"Oh, sorry I drifted off again." The Kilaak leader said.

"Need I remind you that I'm still here?" Venom asked.

"Okay, okay, you don't have to grip." The Xilian leader said.

Despite the fact that he ate and talked with his mouthful half way through the full interview it still went rather well.

"Decent work, See us on Saturday." Vorticia said. "And please take some breath mints."

"Does my mouth really smell that bad?" Venom asked then left.

"Next." Vorticia asked.

"Next walked in the Nebulans.

"WE ALREADY TOLD YOU! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME!" Vorticia, the Kilaak leader, and the Xilian leader yelled in unison.

"Why?" The Nebulans asked.

"You gave such a pitiful attempt to kill Godzilla." The Xilian leader said.

"You're really just bugs in a human body." The Kilaak leader added.

"And your movie was so pitiful." Vorticia said.

"We're not leaving and there's nothing you can do to make us!" The Nebulans said.

Vorticia picked up a can of Raid.

The Nebulans screamed like little girls and ran out.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Vorticia's Interviews**_

_**Chapter 4**_

"Well who do we have next?" Vorticia asked.

Then a tall kid with yellow skin, one eyebrow and no chin opened the door and fell flat on his face.

For a unexplained reason he randomly laughed.

"Ed, have you been breaking the fourth wall again?" A kid with a black ski hat on his head asked as he followed Ed into the room.

"Two feet and a nose ahead Double Dee." Ed replied.

"THERE YOU TWO SLACKERS ARE!" A short kid with three hairs on his head yelled as he entered as well.

"There's no need raise your voice Eddy."Double Dee replied.

"What are you kids doing here?" Vorticia asked.

"What's with the outfits?" Eddy said. "Do you have any idea how far away Halloween is?"

"This is what you might call our casual wear." The Kilaak Leader said.

"Where are we anyhow?" Double Dee asked.

"On a planet far away from the one you all reside in." The Xillian leader said.

Ed gasped.

"We are Foreigners on a hostile planet! This is just like the movie Demonic Others From The Planet Of Green Lights."

'Colorful Ed." Double Dee said after a few seconds pause.

Ed didn't reply although he shook like a leaf.

"So you're aliens?" Eddy said. "How about coming back to earth with us? You could be famous and I could be rich for finding you." Eddy said.

"Eddy!" Double Dee replied. "Your plan is so simple minded and against their rights."

"Rights? What rights? They ain't human!"

"Were still here you know." Vorticia replied.

"RUN AWAY!" Ed suddenly yelled in fear while grabbing both Double Dee and Eddy and busting clean through the wall behind him.

"Aren't they aware that this building is about 79,831 miles off the ground?" The Kilaak Leader asked.

"918,027 miles. You forgot they jumped off the side that faces the cliff." Vorticia added.

Meanwhile outside.

The Eds screamed as the fell down the great length.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU-!" Eddy yelled as they decended.

Back inside.

"Next." Vorticia said.

The door opened slightly.

A human like creature crawled into the small opening in a inhuman fashion.

He was a zombie that had many parts of his body exposed and it looked like he was covered in wet tar, his eyes were very creepy looking and lacked the lids and his teeth were white and thick enough to penetrate a skull. (Tarman)

"BRAINS!" He moaned.

"Nice intro." Vorticia said.

"LIVE BRAINS!" He moaned again.

"Wow, Fasinating." The Kilaak Leader said.

"What?" Vorticia asked.

"BRAINS!" Tarman moaned more.

"Increadible." The Xillian leader said.

"What are you two talking about?" Vorticica asked.

"I WANT YOUR BRAINS!" Tarman moaned again.

"My god this guy's a genious!" The Xillian leader said.

"This is one of the best interviews we ever had!" The Kilaak Leader agreed.

'I'm surrounded by brainless people.' Vorticia thought.

After what seemed like the most mind numbing interview to Vorticia and one of the best for the Xillian and Kilaak leaders it was at last at an end.

"Well I'm not sure about this or even if you can understand it but come back Saturday." Vorticia said.

"BRAINS!" Tarman moaned and walked off in his inhuman fashion.

"Moving on." Voriticia said.

A witch entered next. (No it's not Agnes)

"Hello there." She said.

"A little unoriginal don't you think?" Vorticia said.

"What?" The witch asked.

"Nevermind, well what do you have to say." Vorticia said.

"Well I'm very good at evil plans and schemes but I don't think too well on my feet which is why I wished to join. Especially after what happened last time." She said.

*Flashback*

"Now little ones which one of you will go into the oven first?" The witch cackled.

The laughter came to a quick end when she turned around to see that the cage that she set Hansel and Gretel in, was now vaccant and a hole had been chewed into the wall at the back of the cell.

The kids who were on the other side ran for their lives.

"HEY! THAT WAS SUCH A CHEAP MOVE!" The witch yelled as she ran out after them waving her fist in the air.

While the witch was distracted with the two kids, Sir Graham who had been watching the whole thing, ran into the house, grabbed a note and some cheese and took off just as the witch spotted him.

"HOW DARE YOU ROB FROM A OLD LADY!" She shouted and ran after him with the same motion as she did to the kids.

Behind her Samantha Voorhees who came out of no where grabbed the door made out of chocolate and ripped it off the house.

"Oh chocolate. You all but arouse me." She said and fled.

The witch didn't notice until it was too late.

"WHY YOU!" She yelled.

Angry the witch kicked one of the candy cane pillars and it cracked.

The whole house fell down after that motion.

The witch gasped at the result and then screeched in anger.

She snatched her hat off her head, threw it on the ground and stomped on it multiple times griping and complaining.

"DID BETTE MIDDLER EVER HAVE PUT UP WITH THIS? I DON'T THINK SO!"

*End Flashback*

"And so here I am." The witch finished.

"Well try Saturday and well review." Vorticia said.

"Thanks you young ones." The witch replied and flew off on her broomstick through the new hole.

"Alright next." Vorticia said.

Then stepped in a tall boy with blue hair that appeared to be natural. (Rolf)

"Why do you elders dress as if it's All Hallows?" He asked.

"Excuse me?" The Kilaak Leader asked.

"I am Rolf, a alien to this ever so dark and despairing land. Rolf is looking for the Ed Boys." Rolf said.

"The Ed boys?" The Xillian Leader asked.

"Yes, the Ed boys." Rolf repeated. "There's the goliath mouth on a small body Ed boy, the complexed minded and delicate state Ed boy, and the Strength great but simple headed Ed boy."

"They went out that hole but it's a long way down." Vorticia said.

"I shall use the nail trimmings of Victor's hoves combined with the discarded feather of Bridget and the ever so large population of Yaks will ensure Rolf will float to the ground gently." Rolf said and jumped out of the hole Ed had made.

"Wait a minute." Vorticia realized. "There isn't any Yaks on this planet."

Meanwhile outside.

Rolf screamed as he came crashing down face first.

"Son of a shepherd." He said weakly.


End file.
